Monday, November 5, 2012

My trip to Ikea went smashingly

The first time we went to an Ikea we were in Germany on vacation. We loved it. We had all the time in the world to browse, meander, peruse and gawk. I ended up buying two bags of finger puppets to give to kids at the international convention. Ikea was fun, fresh and we were in no danger of walking away with a cupboard named Klwuaoij or a lamp called Frucntwj. Ikea on vacation - it's the way to go.

Going to Ikea with something specific in mind is not such a pleasure trip. First, wear your track shoes. Second, bring a GPS or at least leave a trail of breadcrumbs. Third, be sure to check out the bargain barn before you head in there. You may just find that Klwuaoij cupboard already put together for a third of the price. How well put together? Check out the bag of unused screws to get a clue.

My trip today included an open shelved cabinet to match the ones on the Ikea side of our kitchen. There is one sad little oddly placed cabinet just hanging on the wall, just screaming for a little cupboard buddy. I figured an open shelved contraption would do, less screws and nuts to find later unused. It's named Perfekt with a K, that sounds about how our remodel is going so far.

Drawer pulls were next. We're trying to make the two parts of the kitchen kiss and make up and sing Kumbaya. That involves paint and door pulls and some unifying counter tops.

Next was plinth. Not Plinth as in an Ikea item named plinth, that is what it's actually called. The toe stop you install under Ikea cabinets to fake out a more custom look. Plinth - what a great new Scrabble word.

Last was some of the unifying counter top, the Why can't we all just get along Formica called Pragel. My dream job would be to sit around and think up good names for Ikea products. But first I would get them to sell vegan meatballs in the cafeteria.

I got it all paid for and loaded gingerly in my still semi-new please don't scratch up the interior, please don't let the plinth come careening through the front seats into the dashboard vehicle. All was great as I drove past my old stomping grounds in Broderick. Past the old motorcycle shop where there was the giant plastic gorilla on top. It was always fun to tell people looking for our apartment - turn left at the giant gorilla and you're almost there.

Then it was onto the ugly yet hardworking I Street Bridge. Separated by another car, there was a big semi truck going over the bridge. Since when do semi-trucks go over that poor little pathetic drawbridge? BAM! He hit the side with two tires and got a double blow out! Chunks of asphalt came flying at me. Then, I swear, pieces of the bridge were falling in the road. From above. Pieces of bridge! I couldn't slam on the brakes lest the plinth go through the window. A piece of something big fell right in front, but I didn't get hit in the windshield. I just had chunks of stuff on my hood. Stop, Breathe. OK, that was exciting.

I blew my horn like mad so the driver knew something happened behind him. He pulled off on Jiboom Street, but I told him a better place to park. I was taking pictures in case he decided to race away, but I think a semi with two blown tires was not a huge flight risk. I called the police and reported the fact that stuff was falling off the I Street Bridge, got all the insurance information and then headed home with my plinth. I hope they don't blame it on the gorilla.

So close to a broken windshield

How's my driving? Well, buddy, not so hot.